Mature Innocence

I’m reprinting this article from my Facebook page, thus the common explanations.

I was told no one would read this.

It’s too challenging to consider, too long.

But see, that’s okay with me. I have no demands for its reception.

I just had to write it.

I once gave a talk called, “Mature innocence.” It was about restoring the innocence of childhood through change. I believe most people don’t believe in change. And it seems like every movie confirms it, “People don’t change”, as said by Michael Nyqvist as Viggo Tarasov in the movie John Wick, as said by Ethan Hawke in the movie Great Expectations, as said by Nicholas Cage in the movie in Adaptation. I could go on and on. Change always implied becoming a better version of ourselves.

 I thought it was like church—change was a really good idea and goal to strive for but no one can expect you to achieve it, not really, in their heart of hearts.

 And that was because I couldn’t achieve change through will power or through the right understanding of it. I regarded change as simple, easy. To me, change was wanting a new view, so I get in my car and drive to Hominy, Okla.

 I did not regard change in a person’s makeup as real as I’ve bared down in my life, sucked it up, held on for all I am worth and still I’m the samo, samo! So I determine this kind of change is not real. But that is pretty much the same logic as, “If I don’t see or witness it, it does not exist”. People talked about  things that were too good to be true. Way toooo Pollyanna. It didn’t seem possible.

 Ordinarily, we think of change in terms of addresses, lovers, vacations. I’ll make a change and move to Decatur, Illinois. I’ll get a new boyfriend. We don’t ordinarily think of changing ideas or beliefs or ignorance even. This is mostly a matter of educating yourself. You learn something that is more logical, rings more true. If you accept it, it automatically makes a change in your knowledge and possibly beliefs. 

And then we come to the most intimate of changes, the most profound. And that is what we are dealing with here.

 Most of us find ourselves on the wrong side of good after a few years in childhood. To differing degrees, we learned to think of ourselves as “wrong”. All of us believe to some extent that there is something wrong with us, or at least, if put to the test, make us doubt ourselves. Its varying degrees of trauma and how we deal with it that determines what kind of people we are or become in life.

 When we go off on people, it usually means something has touched on our self-hatred. Because to consider the core of our being to be less than good IS  self-hatred. And if you will pay attention, you will find, these episodes are never against someone we consider to be stronger than ourselves (not just physically but also psychologically).

 What is the opposite of self-hatred? Innocence. When our self-hatred is touched on, it puts pressure on us to relieve it. Hatred, the feeling of bad is threatened by good. (How dare others feel good while I feel so bad). So if something  is perceived to touch on our self-hatred, we must destroy something good to feel right again, to climb above it, to get control of it, to fulfil that illusion of control we never had in the first place.

  And to put it bluntly, “bad seeks to kill good or innocence” whether that is psychologically or physically. That can be through self-destruction or attacking innocence in another or even an animal.

 As an example, pedophiles are not in it for the sex. They are not in it for the violence. All of that is incidental. The first and last and “none other” cause is to repossess the innocence that was stolen from them. That is what has to be treated. And it is not a psychological problem. It is a problem of the spirit. Psychology has no way to affect “innocence”.

 There are doorways into our innocence. One of the shortest routes to innocence is through honesty. Real honesty breeds a feeling of vulnerability, as though you’ve been completely drained of all identities and there is no one left to take offense. It feels like a delicious rest.

 But that makes our salvation the one thing we cannot do.

 How can we admit the simple truth to ourselves—we are out of control and we abuse the innocent—Did you jerk on Oliver’s leash a little too harshly when his owner made you look stupid in front of your father? Did you let the baby lay in its crib, wet, crying, a little too long to somehow get even? Or refused comfort to someone dying because you felt you had none to give?

 And then think of something or someone you consider to be innocent and see them undergoing what you have done to others. That is the truth that will set you free. Stop white-washing your memories and your actions. In your life, there is no innocent bystander. That does not mean you are to blame for anything. Those values are useless. The only thing they serve is ego. This is not the “gotcha game”. This is a try to stop you from becoming your worst self game.

 All you have to do is not lie to yourself. Doesn’t matter if you lie to someone else. While you are telling your lie, be repeating to yourself inwardly—but I am self aware enough to know the truth and I won’t forget. I did this!

 That memory sitting there at the back of your mind that keeps brushing up against your feeling of being “wrong”. It’s not a sharp pain, quite the contrary. It’s power is in its low-key constancy—how it hangs on, whittling down your resolve, creating callouses, rubbing, rubbing, until we break out the bottle or explode on someone, on an innocent someone.

 Stop and turn towards your actions. Pull them out into the daylight and look at them full on, no dressing them up, no saving face, no sugar coating. You don’t have to design change. You don’t have to learn to control yourself. All you have to do is look, in private, at your behavior and be honest. And if you are able to do that, a higher power will do the rest.

 There are some people, admittedly, that are incapable of even the barest evidences of honesty. There is some character flaw that prevents them from participating in their own salvation. And by “Salvation”, I do not see this as interfering with Christian beliefs. This “saving yourself” is not the same as “Being saved”. This just makes it so you can enjoy your salvation while still alive.

 But for the rest of us, if we do our part, a higher power will do all the rest. In fact, has to do the rest. A higher power has to do it as we have no idea what to change or how. Our damages reach all through our psychic, skewing reality just a bit in every thought we think and every act we commit—EVERY THOUGHT AND ACT. No exceptions. And we have no idea how this entangles itself into our consciousness, where we think and make decisions with someone else’s mind. It’s a Frankenstein pieced together from the voices of our mother, father, stern uncle, loving aunt, the clerk at the store, a squawking parrot.

 The more negative we are, the more pressure we feel. Why? It is because our soul is trying to expunge the negativity from our heart where it does not belong.  That is what is causing the conflict—the white blood cells of our psychic are attacking foreign objects. (You notice even language is simplistic and meaningful; its not “black” blood cells). I’m sorry to break the news, as disturbing as it is—LIFE IS MEANINGFUL! Every decision you make or don’t make is meaningful. The color of our clothes is meaningful. They tell how we see ourselves.

 Sometimes, we’re a victim of abuse ourselves and we seek to relieve that pressure; or sometimes our frustration comes when life seems too big for us. We get to feeling sorry for ourselves and attack the innocent as a way of whittling down the size of life. What about the times we tell ourselves it’s discipline when our real motive is to ruin a child’s fun.

  It is that part of us that feels bad by nature. It is not what we deserve and it is not doing us any favors or our families. Almost every conflict we have is because of this self. But it begins to lose power and affect as we do the one thing it cannot stand up to—honest self reflection.

 In a journal, I write it like a diary for the day, looking at any conflict or uncomfortable feelings or negativity. I write what happened, what I was feeling at the time and what my participation was in the conflict. Again, I’m not looking for blame or finger pointing. I’m looking to understand further why I was involved in some conflict and my part in it. If you feel yourself getting all accusatory and hardening up, you’re looking in the wrong direction. Get your eyes back on your own soul. Whatever you discover about yourself, know you were doing the very best you could at the time. There is no blame here.

 Eventually this could lead to a change in level of awareness where you may join others who no longer think in terms of or respond to the blame game. Where neighbors become neighbors again and instead of pulling out their gun to counter some accusation, offer to correct some problem routinely. Where all name calling and accusations are see as childish and fall into complete disrepair. Where attributes are upheld that should be upheld, and the things we admire are worth our admiration. This sounds rather boring to a rambunctious heart, but it is practically Heaven on earth to people who have earned a peaceful soul.